I almost gave up. Maybe that's the right thing to do. Maybe.

But I'm not that kind who just sits around doing nothing, waiting for things to happen. Maybe I should, try to be one.

Maybe there is nothing I can do, but I thought there is, so I kept on working it, over and over in my mind. Over and over again, over and over again.

I'm totally tiring myself out myself, isn't it.

Never had I ever been so lost. Never had I lost so much control as well. Well, at least I realise how controlling I used to be over my life and its main character. Now it's a complete different story.

Maybe there are choices, and I'm just not wise and stable enough to choose now. And this made me so unstable and fickle-minded, which made things much worse. But what am i supposed to do!?

There are so much so much inside of me - burning, the ashes and smoke choked my breath and stung my eyes- and I don't know how to put out the flames. My fanning just made things worse.

Maybe I should do nothing. Maybe I should just pray. Even a silent prayer can work just before you know it, you know.

I no longer hear the little voice I hear. Even if I might have hear it, how can I trust it? It might be wrong, just as how it might be right. Maybe it is both. Maybe.

My greatest fear - deafness.

When there is no sound, there is no direction. I can never trust my eyes, even though whoever can say, "The eyes are the windows to the soul."

Then my soul must be quite corrupted by now, for the evil I had seen all around, all these years.

It was a complication matter, for me. It was hard, really hard a time.

I do not want to go through it while being illusionised. I want the hard fact reality. But maybe I'm still not ready for that, that's why I feel that I'm still being fed bit and bit.

But I want the whole thing. I want the whole picture clear. If it will kill me, then let it. But it seems like someone is taking care of me still, after all the rebellions and disobedience I'd displayed.

Maybe I'm just too impatient. I'm too want-the-whole-thing-now-now-NOW!-ish.

I believe there must be a reason to things. He has His own reasons. But they are secrets, and He kept them really well from me.

But sometimes I just feel that I cant wait any longer.

"He is never late, but neither is He early. But He is on time always. And it is usually at the very last minute to which we can bear when He'll show up. That's how we will learn. That's how we will learn."

Maybe I'm just not used to that yet. I'm still very-mortal.

Still the same.