Nightmare

That's how I felt when I realised that my past finally caught up with me.

It was a dream, just a mere nightmare I have once or twice a month. But it felt real. Very real.

I was wailing.

There was anger. I was anger.

There was pain. I was pain.

There I was, kneeling, as unclean as I was in the past.

I was not a sinner. I felt as though I was sin itself. There was a fear of no redemption, no help, and no hope. And I'll have to live with my past, or rather, live in my past for the rest of my miserable and painful life.

My past would either crush me or break my neck. Yes, either way I'll be doomed.

Maybe there is still unforgiveness for my past residing in me. It would have been washed away, but it didn't happen that way. Maybe I'm still holding on to some of it which I couldn't bear to let go.

And I ask myself, why is it so? Why do I not want to let go of the ugly and move on?

There was pain. There was hurt caused by a disaster. There were a lot a lot of burden to shoulder and to bear. I can't just grit my teeth and live on life like that. The yolk is too heavy

But I realised that there is always a blame game I love to play. If there is one, I would always love to join it. There is a reasoning me trying to find out the cause of everything. Maybe that's why being a doctor can be a good career for me.

Then everytime I got tired of it because I've found no clue and answer to the root of the problem, I'll take a rest. When it's enough, I'll get hyped up again and curious altogether, and the cycle begins again.

Oh how many times have I told myself this, but to fall into this trapping again and again. It is a vicious cycle. Really.

Back to the dream. I was sold by those who I totally didn't expect. They are the good people in my real life. They really good people. But inside my dream, their supposedly good intention turned out to be a traumatic surprise. A full blown shock. That almost killed me. Then it was as though I suddenly remembered all that I forgotten. The past caught up with me. Then I started throwing things around, and there was a birthday cake or whatever cake, which I throw the whole box onto the floor and punched the box on the ground, smashing the cake within. I used all my strength and emotions. I was wailing; struggling so hard. It was a moment where all your past was dug out and presented to, not only you, but all who knew you, and to some who didn't even know you. Dirty secrets and sinful ways. Those lies and backstabbings were playing on the screen for all to see. Everything. EVERYTHING!

A breathtaking moment indeed. And you were tired. You didn't even feel like digging a hole to hide. You would surrender to the Ghost of Death. Take me to hell if you want, I don't give a damn anymore. And this is how your life ends. Spectacularly tragic.